Transcript [00:00] Keeping them boys as easier [00:03] >> Mhm. [00:03] >> than making men. [00:05] You know how many phone calls I'll get? [00:06] Like, I'll be running a seminar. It's [00:08] It's [music] married people. Unless I do [00:09] it in Jerusalem, but when I do it in [00:10] Jerusalem, there's a lot of It's [00:11] married, but it's there's mostly [00:13] bachurim. You know how many phone calls [00:14] I get from from yeshiva shmoms from [00:17] Lakewood or or yeshiva shdads from [00:20] Brooklyn or Monsey or whatever. [00:23] It's like, "What's going to be mentioned [00:25] [music] there?" You know, as if I don't [00:27] know how to deal with bachurim. My whole [00:29] life is bachurim. You know, "What's [00:31] going to be mentioned there?" [music] [00:32] Cuz, you know, [00:33] And I understand them. They're trying to [00:35] protect him. But it's It's again, it's [00:37] like, "So now he gets married. [00:40] And he still doesn't go in the world." [00:42] And we call him a boy. Notice we call [00:44] 23-year-old [music] [00:45] men boys. They're called boys. [00:47] >> One of the most popular episodes in the [00:49] past year and a half was a conversation [00:50] I had with Reb Yom Tov Glazer, whether [00:53] we're living in the Matrix. Check it out [00:55] if you haven't seen it yet, but this [00:56] episode is one of our longer ones, but I [00:58] urge you to listen to the full [01:00] conversation. It's ultimately about [01:02] living to your truth. But of course, [01:04] it's wrapped with Kabbalah, practical, [01:06] and also intriguing points. This episode [01:08] is in loving memory of Shimon Dovid ben [01:10] Yaakov Miriam Sorbas Yaakov [01:11] Moshe, and Sheindel bas Chaim Yehuda [01:13] Leib. Thank you to this week's sponsors, [01:16] Kol Habar, We Also Lease, BF Designs, [01:18] Feltime, Karen to Save Yom Tov's Million [01:21] Dollar Giveaway, and El Al. Here we go. [01:25] Reb Yom Tov Glazer, thank you so much [01:26] for coming in to do this. Before we get [01:28] into the subject for the seven people in [01:30] the world who don't yet know who you [01:31] are, can you give a little glimpse of [01:34] your background and kind of how you got [01:35] to here today? [01:37] >> Yeah, sure. I was born and raised in [01:39] California in Los Angeles. I was not [01:42] raised observant. I was [01:47] out of school, I think, from first [01:49] grade. [01:50] Uh [01:51] thrown out [01:53] grades 1 through 5. [01:55] And uh [01:56] it's grade I got the idea that maybe I'm [01:58] not meant to be there and then I just [02:00] basically hit the streets. So I lived on [02:02] the streets for 12 years, slept in a [02:05] mansion while there was [02:07] wealthy businessman. And I was just [02:10] going to go experience life. I was in a [02:12] deep search for meaning. [02:13] Worked very hard on that and [02:16] a lot of sports. I'm an athlete, so I [02:18] was surfing the whole time by day and [02:22] mountain biking also every day and and [02:25] uh [02:26] 23 years old I [02:28] got a ticket to Israel from Aish [02:30] HaTorah. I became observant immediately. [02:33] I was a Litvak for about 3 years. [02:37] And then [02:39] at the end of those 3 years I went [02:40] Chassidic [02:42] uh for various reasons. And now [02:45] thank God I have a [02:46] big family, lots of grandkids. [02:49] And [02:50] during that path I 7 years after I got [02:53] married when I was about 33 years old [02:55] had a major breakthrough in my own life. [02:58] Something was that was affecting my [03:00] digestion deeply which is [03:02] nobody's business but I needed to do [03:05] some serious reckoning before surgery [03:07] and I managed to figure out what that [03:09] was and what kind of voice in my head [03:12] was causing the issue [03:14] and I was able to heal it and then I [03:16] began the seminar called The Possible [03:18] You. [03:19] I've been running The Possible You now [03:21] for 25 years. This year we're hitting [03:23] 15,000 graduates. It's operating in six [03:26] cities [03:27] and which are Jerusalem, London [03:31] Brooklyn, Monsey [03:33] Lakewood, Mexico, believe it or not. And [03:37] and we're hoping to come to the Five [03:38] Towns. Like that's definitely on our [03:40] bucket list. And been running that now [03:43] for the last as I said 25 years and I've [03:46] developed many other seminars which uh [03:49] would be great to share with you some of [03:51] the other ones. [03:51] >> Yeah, so you okay, you shared a lot in [03:53] your life and uh [03:55] >> [laughter] [03:55] >> but that's not the topic of today. So so [03:58] I want to delve right in. So [04:00] based on your experience [04:02] or experiences with so many people, what [04:05] at least maybe towards the Orthodox [04:06] community, maybe it's all communities, [04:08] but from the Orthodox community, what is [04:11] of the biggest challenges that you're [04:12] seeing today? [04:14] >> The biggest challenges, really? [04:17] I think it's just that the younger [04:19] generation is tuned in to some kind of [04:22] vibration that that's more core than the [04:26] vibration of our generation as [04:28] preservists for preservationists [04:31] trying to preserve [04:33] the past like some kind of a exiled [04:35] Torah exiled [04:37] path, you know, not exiled Torah. The [04:39] Torah is eternal, but totally eternal, [04:42] but the [04:43] I think it's I think the biggest issue [04:45] is trying to get our finger on the pulse [04:48] of the kids, [04:49] but not so that we can control them, but [04:51] maybe that we could learn from them and [04:54] and see if we can somehow galvanize [04:57] together the the amazing instincts of [05:00] the kids these days [05:01] with with [clears throat] Torah [05:03] and create that what's called like Torah [05:06] Mashiach or Torah Eretz Israel. It's a [05:08] it's a very Eretz Israel [05:10] thing, you know, it's it's this is the [05:12] blue thread [05:13] coming into the tzitzit that you're [05:15] starting to notice more and more and [05:17] and [05:18] >> [clears throat] [05:18] >> uh [05:19] yeah. [05:20] It's being able to [05:22] being able to you know, galvanize with [05:24] with the young people. [05:25] >> I want to delve into we were talking a [05:27] little before about masculinity and your [05:31] definition of what it really is and just [05:35] what [05:36] we're lacking in today's day and age. [05:38] >> Right. [05:39] So yeah, that this is the latest seminar [05:41] I'm working on. It's called being the [05:42] man. [05:43] Not politically correct, but not [05:45] terrible. [05:47] And [05:48] and the the funny thing is about it is [05:50] as much as it might rub people wrong, [05:53] you know, like woah, like cuz they even [05:55] call masculinity in the [05:57] and as I'll describe, they call they [05:59] call masculinity toxic max masculinity. [06:02] I don't know if you know that. [06:03] >> Sure. [06:03] >> In the secular world, they'll call it [06:04] toxic masculinity. [06:06] >> Mansplaining. [06:07] >> Mansplaining and [06:09] when in fact the the more a man hones in [06:13] his masculinity, the more they the more [06:16] the female [06:18] is is interested, respects, [06:21] attracted, anything is is going to come [06:24] from that. So, it's kind of interesting [06:25] that that it's it's kind of going full [06:28] circle now. [06:29] And and women are starting to recognize [06:32] that, you know, and I think I want a [06:34] masculine man and let's drop the word [06:35] toxic. [06:37] And let's just go with masculinity. [06:40] As far as your question of what's wrong, [06:42] like [06:43] where are we lacking? [06:45] Um [06:47] you know, [06:48] on the one hand, it's a cultural thing, [06:49] but I'd like to go into just um [06:53] the issue of [06:55] of weaning. [06:57] Is weaning, meaning when you're when you [06:59] start your life, you're inside [07:02] the undifferentiated oneness of your [07:04] mother's womb, meaning everyone's born [07:06] in the feminine this feminine [07:10] oneness. And then you're born out of [07:12] that and then cuddled by her, wrapped up [07:15] in the blankets in your cot by her, and [07:18] you're nursing from her, [07:19] and you're like, [07:21] you know, you're you're [07:22] you're you're really being [07:24] cared for completely. [07:26] And [07:27] that but over the years, there will be a [07:30] process of weaning. [07:32] And sometimes that process is a little [07:34] abrupt, especially in the larger [07:36] families, [07:37] where the mommy's kind of moving on and [07:40] she's got a bunch of other kids and and [07:43] you know, there's there's something [07:44] amazing that is [07:46] the accordion relationships people have [07:49] where it's like I love you, I hate you, [07:50] I love you, I hate you, I love you, I [07:51] hate you. [07:53] And meaning meaning like [07:56] let's say like this. [07:58] When you're born, your need for love, [08:00] what would you say on a scale of 1 to 10 [08:02] is your need for love when you're born? [08:03] >> A 10. [08:04] >> For sure a 10 and it stays a 10 for you [08:06] years until you die. It's always a 10. [08:09] It's your deepest need. [08:11] So [08:12] then you ask the question, what was your [08:14] parents' capacity of giving you [08:16] specifically love? So you'll see your [08:18] mother gets some score, your father gets [08:20] some score, and neither are 10. [08:22] And now take whatever number that is, [08:23] divide it up into the number of kids, [08:25] and divide [clears throat] it up into [08:26] the work and the community and her [08:28] sisters and [08:29] and [snorts] the simchas they're going [08:30] out to and it's like [08:32] there's nothing left. Very little left. [08:35] And then there's all the heartbreak [08:36] stuff, you know, like your heart breaks [08:38] a thousand times. Most people's [08:39] relationship to love is from 5 years [08:41] old. [08:42] Which is why we're so guarded cuz we [08:44] trusted everyone like little kids do. [08:46] And then we got burned here, there, and [08:48] everywhere. They you know, they come to [08:49] your bedroom while you were screaming, [08:50] "Story, story." And they [clears throat] [08:53] find you there just like, "Sorry." And [08:55] they fell asleep like that with tears [08:57] coming down your face. They try to shake [08:58] you and uh wake you up and tell you a [09:01] story but it's too late, you're out. You [09:03] know, heartbreaks. [09:05] So [09:08] anyway, all this weaning [09:10] since childhood, all this weaning is [09:14] and sometimes abrupt weaning causes us [09:18] to [09:20] to [09:22] nurse ourselves. [09:24] And nurse ourselves. I I had a guy once [09:26] in my seminar in the possibly you and [09:29] he was hand to mouth the whole time. [09:30] Just hand to mouth. So he was vaping [09:32] hand to mouth, he was chewing gum, he [09:34] was that we go to when we break for a [09:36] snack, he was like just [09:40] outside he was on the cigarettes. [09:43] And [09:45] I asked him [09:46] please and he was pretty large guy, too. [09:48] And I said, "Please ask your mother what [09:50] happened with nursing." [09:52] And her mother was his mother was [09:53] shocked and she was like, "Did you speak [09:55] to your grandmother?" [09:57] He's like, "Just tell me what happened." [09:59] And so she had a [10:02] she had a [10:05] pregnancy [10:07] was told to stop nursing and then she [10:08] had a miscarriage. [10:10] And she just went into a depression [10:13] and wasn't able to really [10:15] follow through with that particular [10:16] baby. [10:19] We're all nursing ourselves [10:22] from those years. [10:25] We're all nursing ourselves and [10:28] and as boys [10:32] you know, only boys go through a major [10:34] transition. Think about a 7 8 9 [10:36] 10-year-old little boy. He's not really [10:38] a boy, he's a girl. [10:39] Okay, maybe he like prefers the car than [10:41] the doll. [10:42] But he's really a little girl. He's got [10:43] the little high voice, no hair on his [10:45] body. [10:47] Um he's [clears throat] super sensitive, [10:49] you know, really [10:51] really needs to be cared for. [10:55] Something happens to him when he turns [10:56] 13 14 15 where his body just starts [10:59] changing, hair starts growing, voice [11:01] goes down deep and it's like [11:04] how do you [11:05] how do you transition? [11:08] And and is our community and that's the [11:10] next level is our community [11:11] transitioning them transitioning them? [11:15] And on one hand we do, [11:18] you know, Bar Mitzvah. [11:20] You know, certainly in the Haredi [11:21] community Bar Mitzvah is a pretty big [11:22] deal as far as like now you're suddenly [11:24] in a long coat [11:25] or if you're Litvish you're in a coat [11:27] and a hat. [11:28] You know, you're expected to be in a [11:29] suit every day. [11:31] >> Tefillin [11:31] >> Tefillin [11:32] >> and often leaving town to Yeshiva. [11:35] >> Mhm. [11:36] >> Or at least going off for major hours of [11:38] study from now on. So that's a real [11:40] thing. You know, where I grew up there [11:42] was more bar mitzvah. [11:44] You know, there was [11:46] It's more of a a drunken festival for [11:48] the parents while the kid considered it [11:50] graduation from Judaism. Like you [11:52] graduated, you're done. You never have [11:54] to, you know, do anything Jewish again. [11:58] So just to give a funny example, I'm a [12:01] mountain biker. I'm a surfer. I'm a yoga [12:04] instructor and constantly doing yoga. [12:06] I'm [12:07] I'm an athlete. So I trained all my boys [12:10] in mountain biking, but like to level of [12:11] expert downhill mountain biking. Full [12:13] body armor, you name it. So my oldest [12:16] son [12:17] when he was like 14, I was like, "Okay, [12:19] we're going riding." You know, cuz we're [12:21] always going riding, especially on [12:22] Fridays. [12:23] And I notice he's like, "Mhm, I'm not [12:25] going today." [12:26] Next week I'm like, "We're going [12:27] riding." He's like, "Mhm, not so much. I [12:29] don't think so." And it just kept [12:31] happening. And finally I'm like, [12:32] "Listen, [12:33] you're one of the best riders in [12:34] Israel." He was at one point the number [12:36] one rider in the country. [12:38] And the reason I know that is they all [12:39] ride on Shabbat. [12:40] He never [clears throat] rode on [12:41] Shabbat. [12:42] And I would show the top pros videos of [12:44] him. And they're like, "Thank God he [12:46] doesn't ride on Shabbat." [12:49] And And I'm like, "You got the best [12:51] bike. You got the best equipment. [12:53] You're one of the best riders in the [12:54] country. What's up with you?" He says, [12:56] "Tati, you never [12:59] became an adult. [13:01] Right? You grew up in the secular world [13:02] where you just you're Peter Pan, you [13:04] know. I'll never grow up. [13:07] And so you still playing. [13:09] You put me in this hat and this rekel. [13:12] You sent me to Yeshiva Ketana. [13:14] Like you you put me into manhood and [13:17] Tati, I don't need it. Just don't need [13:20] it. [13:20] >> Mhm. [13:21] >> It was so like woah. [13:23] >> Was that I'm Was that hurtful for you? [13:25] Was that liberating for you? [13:27] >> [clears throat] [13:29] >> It was shocking, you know, that I never [13:31] grew up. [13:32] >> He's right. [13:33] >> He really is right and insightful. [13:35] And he actually is the CFO and kind of [13:38] the running my company. [13:40] And on all the media and everything. I [13:42] mean, he's like a do-it-all. Lives in [13:43] Brooklyn, actually. And [13:47] Uh, yeah, whatever. It was what it was. [13:49] But he grew up. [13:51] He grew up. [13:52] Um [13:53] But what what's going on is there's [13:55] another thing is we're expecting our [13:56] kids to be adult. [13:59] We want our kids to be gentle. [14:01] And we're really, you know, [14:04] don't swear, don't, you know, obviously [14:06] you don't want your kids to swear, but [14:08] but like the prim and proper language [14:11] we're expecting from them and the [14:14] and the overprotection we're giving cuz [14:17] we again we're we're we're a [14:18] conservative community. We want our kids [14:21] protected. [14:22] And so we protect them, we protect them, [14:24] we protect them, we protect [14:25] And another way of saying that is we're [14:27] putting the walls here [14:29] instead of where they actually are. [14:32] And you know, like I was raised with no [14:35] rules. [14:36] Which is also not good. Right. Because I [14:38] just wound up searching and searching [14:40] for the edge. [14:41] And I almost died a bunch of times and I [14:43] raced cars and crashes, surfing [14:46] accidents, mountain biking accidents, [14:48] like searching for the edge. Where's the [14:50] edge? [14:52] You know, one of the greatest days of my [14:53] life was when I found out there's God in [14:55] Torah when I was an Asian tourist. And I [14:58] I found out there's 365 negative [15:00] commandments. [15:01] And I was like, I got literally my first [15:03] breath of air. It's like [15:05] the edge. There's an edge and it's not, [15:09] you know, [15:10] civil law. I never bought civil law. I [15:13] mean, speed limits, stop signs are [15:15] suggestions. [15:16] >> [laughter] [15:16] >> This was God law. [15:18] The first breath of air oxygen ever had. [15:22] >> I guess the the balance of [15:24] having those laws or rules or guardrails [15:28] in place, but also enough room that [15:31] someone could breathe to find that [15:33] independence or who they really are. [15:35] >> Sure, yeah, you want you want those [15:37] guardrails. You want the edge. And [15:38] obviously Halacha's an edge. [15:41] But you want your kids to bump up into [15:43] the edge a little bit in order for them [15:45] to gather their to gain their own red [15:48] lines. You see, everyone has a red line, [15:50] stuff they're not going to do. [15:52] But those are either internal or [15:53] external. In our community, the danger [15:55] is is cuz we have all the laws that [15:57] we're impressing upon our kids, it's [16:00] easy for the kids [16:02] to only have external red lines. [16:05] So when they if they ever take a little [16:07] trip on the outside, like if they were [16:08] to take a trip on the wild side or get [16:10] their hand on a smartphone or whatever, [16:12] it's incredible how much trouble a guy [16:14] gets into in a matter of like 3 weeks [16:17] that a secular kid wouldn't would never [16:18] dream of doing. [16:20] Because the the secular kid bumped into [16:23] everything and saw what hurts and what's [16:25] not right and what's he developed his [16:27] internal red lines. [16:30] And [16:32] it's a disservice to our children to [16:33] overprotect, i.e., put in fences way [16:36] before the real ones. [16:38] You put walls and borders where they [16:40] aren't. [16:41] Which is just introducing fear into [16:43] them. And then if they ever do wind up [16:45] in the real world, they're just going to [16:47] land on their face. [16:49] Cuz they don't have any instincts, they [16:50] don't have any internal red lines. [16:52] Instincts because if you put the fences [16:54] here when really the walls are there, so [16:56] the second they're on the other side, [16:58] they're outside the walls, they're [16:59] afraid. [17:01] Well, when we're afraid, we have [17:02] terrible instincts. [17:04] People in fear do not have good [17:06] instincts, they're shaking. [17:08] >> I I I I took the possible you and I'm a [17:10] proud uh [17:12] >> graduate [17:12] >> graduate of of the program and I [17:14] literally said this the other day, Um, [17:17] family member was was really [17:19] complaining, bugging out. This person's [17:21] older than me. And [clears throat] they [17:23] wanted to make a really rash decision. [17:24] And I remember your advice was that when [17:27] we're in a You could say better than me. [17:29] When you're in like a bad situation [17:31] >> Crisis mode. [17:31] >> Yeah, so you try to fix it, but you're [17:33] not thinking straight. So you make these [17:35] rash And I I saw it night and day cuz I [17:37] wasn't in it. And I'm like, [17:39] "Take a breath. [17:40] Think about it. Sleep over it. Like [17:42] don't make any decision now." Cuz he was [17:43] so uncomfortable and he just wanted to [17:45] get out of it. [17:46] >> Mhm. [17:46] >> Kind of what you're saying now. [17:48] >> I love that you did the possibly you [17:49] because [17:50] um, what happens is healthy normal [17:52] people think it's for the other guys. [17:54] >> Right. [17:55] >> But it I actually designed it for [17:56] healthy normals. [17:57] >> It's It's really I think for everyone. [17:59] Obviously, I think for, you know, when [18:02] someone has a this [18:04] I think everyone has challenges in life. [18:05] So when someone has a very obvious [18:07] challenge, they're trying to, you know, [18:08] fix it. And so those are I think the [18:10] people are like, "Oh, for sure." But I [18:12] think people, you know, go through life [18:14] not realizing or maybe just hiding their [18:17] challenges. [18:18] >> Yeah, but that's challenges. The other [18:20] thing that's really cool why healthy [18:22] normals is cuz, you know, everyone's [18:23] doing their thing. You know, the head [18:25] solar guy does his thing and the guitar [18:26] player at the wedding's doing his thing. [18:28] And the rich guy is doing his thing. And [18:31] everyone's doing their thing, but what [18:32] they don't realize is their thing's [18:33] doing them. [18:34] >> Mhm. [18:35] >> Meaning meaning [18:37] the only reason they learned how well to [18:39] do that thing is cuz they were covering [18:41] up something inside. Those are the [18:43] healthy normals. Mhm. How do you get [18:44] good at anything? [18:46] You know, you're amazing at [18:47] communication. I promise you [18:49] that that was a survival strategy for [18:51] something. [18:52] >> Interesting. [18:53] >> And I'm excellent at communication. [18:55] I know exactly what it's a [laughter] [18:57] cover up for. And we're not going to go [18:58] in there right now. That's not [18:59] appropriate for our discussion. But [19:02] you understand? It's the healthy normals [19:04] that it's designed for. [19:06] So that your thing stops doing you. See, [19:07] if your thing's doing you [19:09] you get more and more exhausted. It's [19:10] like overstaying at a kid age cuz you're [19:13] so social. And And then you go home and [19:15] you're like a dark hole in your heart, [19:16] you know? We It exhausts you. [19:19] And And so the rich guy who's like, you [19:21] know, the beer in the big truck or the [19:23] fancy car or whatever, he's um ignoring [19:26] his family. [19:28] You understand? She's getting exhausted. [19:30] Kids are getting exhausted by this [19:32] by by this father. [19:34] So it's So it really is healthy normals. [19:37] It was designed for that. Okay, [19:38] someone's got to challenge someone got [19:40] an issue, like you were saying, [19:41] for sure you could break through that. [19:43] You know, that's no problem. But we're [19:45] going for the the person who's, you [19:48] know, [19:49] exhausted by their thing. [19:51] >> Or exhausting everyone else with their [19:53] thing. [19:53] >> Their employees. Oh my god, I had a guy [19:55] just had a guy [clears throat] from a [19:57] the biggest market in Borough Park. [19:59] You know, we we keep very confidential. [20:02] Biggest market in Borough Park was uh [20:05] his employees who had done my seminars [20:07] sent him. [20:09] And he's the manager. [20:11] So they sent him. I had no idea who the [20:12] guy was. I didn't know he was the [20:14] manager of the biggest market in [20:16] super, you know, supermarket. [20:18] Anyway, he's telling his story and he's [20:19] like, [20:21] the kids were playing around with the [20:22] rebbe's wallet. [20:24] And it was going from hand to hand and [20:26] guess who it got caught in his hand. He [20:28] was like 6 years old. [20:29] 7 years old. The rebbe put him up on the [20:32] table and said, [20:34] "This is what a thief looks like." [20:36] on the rebbe's table to the class. [20:39] And I wish it ended there, but this is [20:41] old day education, this many years ago. [20:43] He brought him to every class all the [20:45] way up to [20:46] eighth grade. Wow. [20:48] And did the same thing. [20:50] So I said to this guy, I said, "What do [20:52] you do for a living?" He says, "I manage [20:53] a market." [20:55] And I said, "Is there anyone with more [20:56] responsibility than you?" [20:58] He says, "No, me." And um how much money [21:01] at the end of the day? He says, "Three [21:02] to four million dollars." [21:04] How about Fridays? [21:06] Four to six million dollars. Erev Yom [21:08] Tov. [21:09] Eight to 10 million. [21:11] And said, "Is there anyone more trusted [21:15] in the world than you in that or [21:18] supermarket?" It was huge supermarket. [21:21] And he just goes like, "No, no, no." [21:24] And just [21:26] like, [snorts] the whole room shivered. [21:28] And we realized that we're all just [21:30] inside some stupid story that we got [21:33] really good at something. [21:35] Anyway, the WhatsApps I got from the [21:37] employees after that was like [laughter] [21:39] so amazing. They're like, "Thank you so [21:41] much. He's a pleasure." Cuz he was a [21:43] pain in the neck. [21:43] >> Right. [21:44] >> Okay, but he was a How do you become the [21:45] manager? [21:47] >> Right. [21:47] >> Pain in the neck and the owners love [21:49] you. [21:50] Cuz you're a pain in the neck to [21:51] everybody and everyone's like [21:53] >> I'm scared of you. [21:53] >> He became a a pussycat in the sweetest [21:56] honey honey of a manager. Loved. And [22:00] they they sent him to Lakewood and he [22:02] opened up the same thing in Lakewood. He [22:04] became the guy to open it. [22:06] >> Wow. [22:07] >> So, [22:09] anyway, long story short, back to us [22:12] is masculinity. [22:15] So, the coddling [22:17] the coddling of of the children. [22:20] You know, what happens is the worst most [22:23] Yeshiva people, whether they're in [22:24] Yeshiva or whether they're in whether [22:26] they're sitting in Yeshiva, [22:28] they're learning Torah all the time. [22:31] They're just learning Torah. What are [22:32] the girls doing? [22:34] They're learning every subject. [22:37] They're learning bookkeeping. Learning, [22:39] you know, [22:40] like how to do deal with accounting. How [22:41] to deal with the world out there. [22:44] They're learning English properly. [22:46] They're, you know, just to be able to [22:48] communicate as in a in the country. [22:50] They're [22:52] They're being empowered. [22:58] We're [23:00] the conservative community, meaning the [23:03] the older generation, our job is to keep [23:06] these boys [23:08] basically Jewish. The the men, the the [23:11] kids growing up. [23:12] The boys. [23:14] And it's called continuity, Jewish [23:16] continuity. [23:18] Our job is Jewish continuity, that the [23:19] next generation should still smell [23:21] Jewish. [23:23] And [23:26] the [23:26] keeping them boys is easier [23:29] than making men. [23:34] You know how many phone calls I'll get? [23:35] Like, I'll be running a seminar. It's [23:37] It's married people, unless I do it in [23:38] Jerusalem. But when I do it in [23:39] Jerusalem, there's a lot of There's [23:40] married, but there's mostly bachurim. [23:43] Like when you were there. [23:43] >> Sure. [23:44] >> The um You know how many phone calls I [23:46] get from from [clears throat] yeshivish [23:48] moms from Lakewood or or yeshivish dads [23:51] from [23:52] from uh you know, Brooklyn or Monsey or [23:55] whatever. [23:56] Is like, "What's going to be mentioned [23:58] there?" [24:02] You know, as if I don't know how to deal [24:03] with bachurim. My whole life is [24:05] bachurim. You know, "What's [snorts] [24:06] going to be mentioned there?" Cuz, you [24:08] know, [24:10] I yeah, I and I understand them. They're [24:12] trying to protect them. But it's It's [24:14] again, it's like, "So now he gets [24:16] married, [24:18] and he still doesn't go in the world. [24:20] And we call him a boy. Notice we call [24:21] 23-year-old men boys. They're called [24:24] boys. [24:24] >> I I I think also, I mean, I don't know [24:26] if it's going to take away from what [24:27] you're saying, but we also refer to If a [24:29] girl is 23, you also say, "She's a [24:31] girl." [24:32] >> Till you get married, you're a boy or [24:33] you're a girl. [24:34] And yesterday a woman was telling me [24:36] about a girl who hasn't gotten married [24:38] yet. I'm like, "How old is she?" She's [24:39] like, "She's 35." [24:41] >> Right. [24:42] >> girl. [24:42] >> Right. [24:44] >> Which is which is nuts. And And so we [24:47] call them a boy, we call them a girl. [24:48] And by the way, I mean, just to go deep [24:50] and scary, [24:52] is [24:55] we A lot of these couples [24:57] a lot of couples never bonded. [25:00] They never bonded. You know, this parent [25:02] said this about the girl, this family [25:03] said this about the boy. [25:05] Sorry, about the girl and the boy, and [25:07] they got married. Turned out none of [25:09] that was really true. [25:11] And they get married. Again, I'm not [25:12] saying about five towns where you're [25:14] dating and getting to know the person [25:15] really well. But, you know, they get [25:17] married. [25:18] And [25:20] so often it was really a deal between [25:22] the parents [25:24] rather than a deal between the couple. [25:27] And they never really bonded. Like, [25:30] things have to be truthful for bonds. [25:32] You know, if you if this cup broke [25:34] and we wanted to glue it back together, [25:36] we have to make sure [25:38] matches. Yeah, it's got to be a good [25:39] bond. [25:40] So, that's truth. This is why the Jewish [25:43] people leave Egypt. We have to just eat [25:46] flour and water, meaning matzah is flour [25:48] and water. This is the beginning of our [25:50] marriage to Hashem. It's got to be just [25:52] flour and water, nothing fluffy. [25:54] No extra fluff on the [25:56] in the shidduch discussions. [25:58] You know, no fluff. [26:00] So, what often happens they get she gets [26:02] pregnant rather quickly. [26:04] And then it all becomes about the baby. [26:06] And then another baby, another baby. [26:07] It's all about the children now. [26:09] But, they themselves never really [26:12] made it about them. [26:14] And [26:16] now the kids are getting older, they're [26:17] starting to get married. So, one gets [26:18] married mazel tov, another one gets [26:20] married. And after a while they're [26:21] starting to get worried, like, what [26:22] about the last one? And then we're going [26:25] to have to actually be with each other. [26:28] We're going to have to be with each [26:29] other. [26:30] >> Right. [26:30] >> And you ready for this? [26:32] They will, many will [26:34] unconsciously [26:37] handicap [26:38] the development of the boy and the girl [26:42] so that they'll continue [26:44] needing them [26:45] after the marriage. [26:47] >> Interesting. And they're not conscious [26:49] of this. [26:49] >> Totally not conscious. They're They're [26:51] not trying to do this. [26:52] >> Cuz they want cuz that's that's because [26:55] they're trying to avoid their spouse or [26:56] cuz they're they feel that's their role [26:58] in in life to [26:59] >> They All of this is unconscious, but [27:01] it's just like [27:02] they're because their marriage was never [27:04] about the two of them. [27:06] It was always about the kids. So, they [27:09] they they just want to keep the kids [27:10] around. So, so if you create dependency [27:13] instead of independency, [27:16] then [27:18] you know, you'll just they'll just [27:19] always need you, but I meet a lot of [27:21] these I meet a lot of these people when [27:23] they're coming to me either one-on-one [27:24] or to my programs [27:26] who are they're like stunted people. [27:29] I once had a stunted guy that was very [27:31] stunted. He's driving me in his fancy [27:34] car. I stayed in his fancy house. [27:36] Yeah, big house in Lakewood and it was [27:38] like [27:39] everything was gorgeous and I'm like I'm [27:41] thinking I'm by a Gavir, you know? But, [27:44] by the end of the seminar he had shared [27:46] with me enough before we went to bed. [27:48] I'm staying at his house, you know. [27:50] Before we went to bed he that he was one [27:51] of these people [27:53] who was depend made dependent and [27:55] controlled. [27:56] And he drove me up to Newark [27:59] cried. [28:00] When we got to Newark, he opened his [28:01] glove compartment [28:03] and he showed me the lease of his fancy [28:06] car and it was his father's name. [28:08] >> Yeah. [28:09] >> And this is a man with multiple kids. [28:11] He's you know, he's about to be starting [28:13] to make weddings. [28:15] And then he's still crying and he opens [28:17] up his cell phone smartphone and he [28:19] pulls up lease not the lease the deed on [28:22] his house. [28:24] It's his father's name. [28:26] And it's same for all his brothers and [28:28] his and the brothers-in-laws. [28:31] I'm giving you an extreme case of [28:34] dependency, but like [28:36] you know, that's extreme. [28:38] >> It's so interesting cuz I think so [28:40] often, you know, parents their their [28:42] goal is to do whatever they can to [28:45] help their kids. And I I guess maybe [28:48] like what you're saying that [28:48] subconsciously they think they're [28:50] helping by giving them everything or not [28:54] giving them certain tools, but [28:56] it's really the complete opposite. You [28:57] want to give your kids the tools that [28:59] they could be independent, which might [29:01] be scary for people cuz that might mean [29:03] that you'll have less of a connection, [29:04] but that's what a good parent does. [29:06] >> Exactly. Yeah, and um [29:09] and and as the let's say in the [29:10] positive, when your when your son is [29:12] born, your job is to turn that boy into [29:15] a man by the wedding. When your [29:16] daughter's ready to turn her from a girl [29:18] to a woman [29:19] >> Mhm. [29:19] >> by her marriage. [29:21] And uh when I when my daughter's getting [29:23] engaged, I tell the son-in-law, "Listen, [29:25] I'm expecting you to put my daughter on [29:26] the backyard horse and ride off into the [29:29] sunset like a Western hero." [29:31] And he looks at me like, "Why are you [29:32] telling me this?" I said, "Listen, Mom [29:35] we call they they call us Mommy and [29:36] Tatty, the sons-in-laws too and the [29:38] daughters." [29:39] I said, "Mommy and Tatty are here for [29:40] you. [29:41] Anything you need, you've got us. We [29:43] we've got your back. [29:45] But I'm [29:46] but you'll have to ask. [29:49] We're not here to control you. We're not [29:51] here to be in charge of you or anything [29:52] like that." He's like, "Why are you [29:54] telling me this?" [29:55] >> [laughter] [29:55] >> And I say, "Because I want a lot of [29:57] kids." [29:57] >> Mhm. [29:58] >> You know, I want a lot of grandkids. [29:59] He's like, "Grandkids? What does this [30:01] have to do with grandkids?" I said, [30:02] "Because if I'm controlling you, my [30:05] daughter will never ever respect you. [30:07] And respect and attraction go together." [30:10] >> Powerful. I'm going to get back into the [30:11] masculinity conversation. I remember cuz [30:14] I [30:15] I I did a bunch of during I went to [30:17] Rabbi Sandlers event during lunchtime, I [30:19] would walk to Aish HaTorah and uh I went [30:21] to a bunch of your classes and I still [30:22] remember, I think this is in 2014, so [30:26] well over 10 years ago. I remember you [30:28] saying on this subject that the goal of [30:30] a parent in the first year is to give as [30:34] much love as possible or as much support [30:37] I I forgot the exact word. And the goal [30:39] is every year to give a little less. [30:41] Obviously appropriately, some some kids [30:43] need it more or less. [30:44] >> Yeah. [30:44] >> But but it's it's supposed to go down [30:46] and we have the plague of not being able [30:49] to do that very often. They think maybe [30:51] that year one [30:53] guy who's 28, the the mother and father [30:55] are giving the same amount of love or [30:57] support and it's like [30:59] >> Right. [30:59] >> Didn't didn't go down. [31:00] >> Right. That's it's a famous line. I [31:03] forget which of the great psychologists [31:05] it was, but [31:07] but the words were I think it might have [31:08] been Carl Jung, but it was [31:10] uh the best mothers fail. [31:12] >> Mhm. [31:13] >> What does that mean, the best mothers [31:14] fail? [31:15] Is that the [31:17] um [31:18] they they f- [31:21] best mothers mean I'm a great mother and [31:22] they mother mother mother mother smother [31:25] and the child never [31:27] gets to be a human being. [31:29] And so the that's what it means. Meaning [31:31] we're supposed to mother less and father [31:34] less and less and less until they're on [31:36] their feet. [31:37] And [31:38] and again to [31:40] so they can get their own instincts and [31:41] fall down and bump into things. [31:43] You know, I was I was once said I um [31:46] at a park outside Tel Aviv and there was [31:49] a pond there. [31:50] And the [31:52] the it was us and a Hasidic family. And [31:55] we each had like toddlers, like 2 and [31:57] 1/2 year olds. [31:58] And our toddler was just Oh, there was a [32:01] There's like a 3-ft drop into the into a [32:03] big pond. [32:05] And [32:06] we never We weren't even facing the [32:08] pond. Our toddler is not suicidal. [32:11] You know, she has killer instincts. She [32:13] knows exactly where the edge is, she's [32:14] never going to near it, and she [32:15] certainly has good balance when she's [32:17] near it, like we all do when we're near [32:19] an edge. Our balance doubles down near [32:21] an edge. [32:22] The other family had at all times, a big [32:24] family, they had at all times two people [32:26] to keep an eye on their 2 and 1/2 year [32:28] old. [32:30] She almost fell in like 20 times. [32:33] So, finally the kids were exhausted, [32:35] right? Brought her back to us where [32:36] we're having a picnic and they said [32:38] "Don't you want to take care of your 2 [32:40] and 1/2 year old?" [32:42] And I'm like, "What do you mean?" And [32:43] they're like, "Well, she could fall in [32:44] the pond." I said, "Did she ever [32:46] get anywhere close to falling in the [32:47] pond in the last hour and a half?" And [32:49] they're like, "No." [32:50] I said, "Well, how's your baby doing?" [32:52] "She's almost falling in like [laughter] [32:54] like 20 times. Like we keep grabbing her [32:57] as she falls in." [32:58] And and I said, "Well, ours [33:01] ours has instincts." [33:04] And I said to the family, and their [33:05] teenagers were sitting there and I said [33:07] I said, "You know, there's enough fear [33:08] in the world." Listen carefully. [33:10] "There's enough fear in the world. We [33:12] don't need to [33:14] add any. We don't have to put more fears [33:17] in our kids than they're already [33:18] developing." [33:19] And their their 16-year-old boy [33:22] looks over at me and says [33:24] "My mommy put all of her fears into me." [33:27] Oh my gosh. [snorts] [33:28] And she The mother goes like [33:31] like that. [33:34] And you know what? You want to know [33:35] something? Next time I saw that boy, I [33:37] mean, I saw him then, you know, at [33:38] Simchas, but next time I saw that boy, [33:40] I'm doing a seminar in Flatbush. [33:43] And there's this Hasidic 27-year-old [33:46] who's bumped I mean, it was like it was [33:47] like his nose was bleeding from bumping [33:49] into things. [33:51] He had to bump into so many things that [33:53] he wound up in a different continent. [33:57] >> [clears throat] [33:57] >> You understand? Like he had to bump into [34:00] a lot of stuff. [34:01] And it was funny at one point that it [34:02] wasn't funny, but at one point my wife [34:04] and the other kids and I don't know what [34:05] they were thinking, but they just [34:06] started running down a grass hill. [34:09] And they were flying down it. It was [34:10] getting steeper as they went down. They [34:11] wouldn't have done it if they knew how [34:12] steep it was getting, but they were [34:13] running down the hill. What do you think [34:15] happened to the other lady? [34:18] She wiped out. Oh, full like train [34:21] wreck. [34:22] And really bad. It was a face plant cuz [34:24] she didn't have the instincts to put her [34:25] hands down. [34:27] And [clears throat] [34:28] and so it was like [34:30] it was a train wreck and but it it was [34:33] like the classic like cherry on top of [34:35] the whole experience. And if she's [34:37] watching this right now, I apologize for [34:39] telling this story. Please just mail it [34:40] to me. [34:41] >> Well, we don't know who she is, so she's [34:43] [laughter] [34:44] >> No, I just said she had to [34:45] >> Yeah, she knows. [34:46] >> This episode is just heating up, so [34:48] stick around. But first, if you're about [34:49] to spend hundreds of thousands, even [34:51] millions of dollars on construction, [34:54] just give me 30 seconds. One of the [34:55] smartest decisions you'll make isn't the [34:57] finishes or the floor plan. It's [34:59] choosing the right architectural firm. I [35:02] have had the personal opportunity [35:03] experience many of the BF Designs [35:06] landmark projects firsthand. 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And [37:49] finally, One Word Too Many, a [37:51] beautifully illustrated book filled with [37:53] true stories that teach both children [37:55] and adults the incredible power of our [37:57] words and the importance of proper [37:58] speech. It's the kind of book that [38:00] sparks great conversations at home and [38:02] leaves a lasting impression long after [38:04] you finish reading it. All of these [38:05] books are available now at feldheim.com [38:08] or your local Judaica store. And if [38:10] you'd like a chance to win all three, [38:12] just leave a comment below with the word [38:13] Feldheim, and one lucky winner will [38:15] receive this month's entire book bundle [38:18] for free. Good luck. Now, back to this [38:20] week's episode. Okay, so back to [38:21] masculinity. So So what do you see [38:24] developing at least from the women's [38:26] side? What what kind of men or lack of [38:30] man are [38:32] they in relationships with? Like how do [38:34] you identify it? [38:35] >> So let's say you said they get married [38:37] and and she's she's on the electricity, [38:39] she's on the water bill, she's on the [38:40] gas bill, she's on the you know, the the [38:44] some other bill I can't remember. She's [38:45] on all that and she's on the accounting [38:47] and she's the one working and she's the [38:49] and she So these girls are like [38:51] you know, they're in full masculinity, [38:54] you know, and they got the good English [38:56] and the boy's sitting and learning and [38:57] he and he was told to be an adult his [38:59] whole life. Now he's called a man, but [39:01] think about the word adult and man. [39:03] >> Mhm. [39:04] >> The word adult man like an adult man, [39:06] that's an oxymoron. [39:07] It's a stermeneob. Either you're adult [39:10] or you're a man. Adult meaning gentle. [39:12] Either adult or you're a man, you can't [39:14] be an adult man. That's exactly what he [39:17] is. [39:18] And and he like walks up to her and he's [39:19] like [39:20] can I have $50? [39:22] You know, he has to go buy his own and [39:23] she's like for what? [39:25] Cuz she's you know, taking care of the [39:27] budget and stuff. It's like mommy [39:30] mommy, can I have $50? [39:32] So it's like [39:34] it's a recipe for disaster. Now I'm not [39:36] against call all my son and [39:37] sons-in-laws, my sons, everyone learned [39:39] after they got married. It's fine. [39:42] But [39:43] you know, I know a wealthy couple in [39:45] Williamsburg, very wealthy couple. She's [39:48] the breadwinner. He sits and learns. [39:50] Someone's asked her a math like a [39:52] question in her own finances. She's [39:54] like, why are you asking me? I said, [39:57] well, I mean you run a multi-million [39:59] dollar business. You know, like [40:02] and she's like [40:03] I know nothing about the money. Whatever [40:07] money comes in goes into the bank [40:08] account. My name's not even on the [40:09] account. It's my husband's name on the [40:11] account. I mean, I'm sure her name's on [40:13] the account, but she said it like my [40:15] name's not even on the count. My husband [40:17] runs absolutely [40:19] everything. I am a Hasidic lady. Mhm. [40:23] You understand? [40:24] Now, when a man [40:27] is This is what's called reverse [40:29] polarities. [40:31] You know on batteries there's a plus and [40:32] a minus and they have to be opposite. [40:33] Mhm. Electrical cables have a plus and a [40:35] minus. [40:37] And they have to be one has to be plus [40:38] minus and that creates a current. [40:41] So, in marriage the man is called the [40:43] mashpia. He's in charge of things. [40:46] The mashpia, he's the plus. [40:48] And the causer. [40:50] The asserter. [40:51] And the woman is called the mekabel. [40:53] She's the minus. [40:54] And she's the receiver. [40:57] Women are amazing at picking up slack. [41:00] So, wherever the man is slacking cuz [41:02] he's still wanting everyone to do things [41:05] for him. [41:06] Wherever he's lacking, wherever he's [41:08] slacking [41:09] she'll pick it up. It's just the way [41:10] women are. They pick up the slack. [41:14] But every piece of slack that she picks [41:16] up [41:17] makes her more exhausted. [41:21] Did I just say that? [41:23] >> You did say that. [41:24] >> That's That's later. That's 30s and 40s. [41:26] We're We're in We're in young couples. [41:29] Every piece of slack she picks up [41:32] is a masculine role cuz it was his [41:35] slack. [41:36] And [41:38] and every bit he gives up [41:41] I mean, every bit he's asking someone to [41:43] wipe his nose for him [41:46] is his feminine side developing. [41:50] And what happens they wind up with [41:52] reverse polarities. [41:55] And meaning that what should be For [41:57] those who don't know the word polarity, [41:58] it's like North Pole, South Pole. [42:00] Everything works in polarity. Hesed and [42:01] Gevurah. [42:02] Right? A flow and structure. Chaos and [42:05] order. Everything's polarities. This [42:07] whole world's made of polarities. Like [42:08] magnets [42:10] are polarities. [42:12] It's called reverse polarities. It's [42:14] cute and sweet when they're young. [42:16] Something happens to women when they [42:18] turn 35. [42:20] It's the craziest but coolest thing. [42:22] Well, it could be that disaster. [42:24] Depends how well the man's playing his [42:26] game. If he's playing his game as a man, [42:28] it's the best part of your marriage. [42:31] I don't know how old you are. [42:33] >> I'm 34. [42:34] >> How old is your wife? [42:35] >> 30. [42:36] >> You got some years. [42:37] >> Okay. This is why we're doing this now [42:39] and not in 5 years. [42:40] >> This is the training I'm doing. This is [42:41] being the man. It's all about this part [42:43] now. Now we're in it. So, [42:48] when a woman turns about 35, definitely [42:50] by the time she's 38, depends on her [42:51] body. [42:53] Um no matter how masculine she was, [42:57] it's over. [42:58] It's almost like a firework, you know, [43:00] the big ones for 4th of July where it's [43:01] like [43:02] it goes [43:04] and then [snorts] [43:07] It's like that upper level is like [43:10] is is when she's about 35, it explodes [43:13] at 50 50. [43:16] And gorgeous, just gorgeous. [43:19] I don't know if you get this but but [43:21] that's when women are in their prime. [43:23] They're just in their body like fully. [43:26] And 50. [43:27] And and if they do like like uh hormone [43:30] [snorts] replacement therapy, it'll just [43:32] stay. [43:33] It'll just stay there. She's just the [43:34] woman, you know? And the [43:39] what happens is [43:41] that if he stayed in that role that [43:44] we're putting them in, like that's the [43:46] issue is that they're in that role. [43:48] And I didn't even go into the history of [43:50] why, you know, this all started in the [43:51] '50s. We can If you want to bring that [43:53] up, we can really understand it because [43:55] it's important. [43:55] >> Sure. [43:56] >> But anyway, let's go back to the [43:58] practical. [43:58] >> Sure. [43:59] >> Is that if he hasn't trained by then, [44:01] haven't done [44:02] if he hasn't become that man, [44:05] so she is just uninterested. You see, [44:09] while she's being the man at in her 20s [44:12] and like doing everything and like [44:13] loving the power and you know, she's on [44:16] it. [44:16] Um [44:18] you know, she decides where they're [44:19] going to eat and like what they're doing [44:21] on vacation and whose house they're [44:23] going to this week and and he's just [44:25] like yes, yes, yes, yes. He's Mr. Nice [44:28] Guy. [44:29] You know, pleasing. He's pleased his [44:31] mother, he's pleasing her and that's the [44:34] other history of it is secular people [44:35] are pleasing female teachers and their [44:37] mother while their father's in some cage [44:40] called an office, cubicle or whatever. [44:42] You know, cuz in the old days you were [44:43] with your father all day [44:45] in the field or in the learning how to [44:48] cobble shoes or whatever. The um [44:52] Back to us. So, if he hasn't trained, [44:55] she doesn't want to look at him. [44:57] She don't want to smell him. [44:59] Cuz she's now in full feminine and she's [45:01] married to someone who never developed [45:03] the plus side. She He never developed [45:05] it. [45:06] She don't want to look at him. This is [45:07] what I call Judaism's [45:09] Judaism's [45:10] best kept secret. [45:13] I don't know if it's too much to expose, [45:15] but but the best kept secret is what is [45:19] Jewish law is that you're never allowed [45:22] to cohabitate less than two times a week [45:25] according to the Shulchan Aruch. [45:29] It's never to be less. Can be as much as [45:31] you like, but not less than twice a [45:34] week. [45:34] >> What when the they're not in nida. [45:37] >> When they're not Yeah, she's not in [45:38] menstruation then, it's never less than [45:40] twice a week and they're rarely in [45:42] menstruation in the communities that [45:43] don't use birth control. [45:45] >> Right. [45:46] >> It's kind of funny when when the new [45:47] baal teshuvahs would come in and the [45:48] women and the men would hear that you [45:50] have 2 weeks off every month. So, we'd [45:52] say, "I mean, it's theoretically 2 weeks [45:55] off except they don't ovulate when [45:57] they're pregnant and they don't ovulate [45:59] when they're nursing. [46:01] And they're always pregnant and nursing. [46:04] So, when they're finally, you know, [46:06] you know, when there's actually [46:08] off, if they're ever off, it's kind of a [46:10] nice break. [46:11] >> Yeah. [46:12] >> Um [snorts] [46:14] >> Ooh, I'm curious. What is What is it [46:15] around Why is it like 35 that that's the [46:19] age where [46:20] >> It's actually physiological. Nothing to [46:22] do with social. It's not cultural. [46:24] Um by the way, law firms are having a [46:27] harder and women are having a lot harder [46:29] and harder time being accepted into law [46:31] firms. [46:32] Cuz women are better at the men at [46:34] studying law, so they get higher scores. [46:35] They get hired to the firms. Not anymore [46:37] now. They don't want to hire them. [46:39] They get hired to these firms. They're [46:40] the best at the work in the firms. I [46:43] mean, women are killer, you know, like [46:45] you look for who assassinates people [46:46] today online, [46:48] it's it's like I think it's something [46:50] like 80/20 women to men. [46:52] >> Wow. [46:52] >> Yeah, women are [46:54] they can be vicious, you know. And as a [46:56] public figure, I've learned the hard [46:57] way. [46:58] The um [47:00] the [47:01] Anyway, the what happens is [47:03] the law firm loses her at 35. She should [47:07] be making partner. She's She's now [47:09] building the firm. [47:10] She hits 35 and she's like, [47:14] "This is not my beautiful house. This is [47:16] not my beautiful car. [47:17] This [47:18] Who am I? Where am I?" [47:20] Full crisis. [47:22] Probably never even got married, [47:24] you know, cuz what man's attracted to [47:25] that kind of person. [47:27] And [47:28] and all of a sudden suddenly she's just [47:30] like, "How do I have children? [47:34] How do I do that?" [47:35] You know, cuz that suddenly becomes the [47:36] goal. Meaning femininity kicks in and [47:38] she's like now she's interested in [47:40] reproduction. [47:41] And it's all very instinctual. This is [47:44] not cultural. [47:45] And the law firm loses her and loses [47:47] another one and loses another one. They [47:48] After Now they're just they're not [47:50] interested in hiring. They'd rather take [47:51] a guy with lesser grades. [47:52] >> Mhm. [47:54] >> You got it? [47:54] >> Yeah. It Yeah. So, I I yeah, I'm I have [47:57] a statement to make or just a question, [48:00] but I I first it might be answered with [48:02] the history. Let's go through the [48:03] history. Um [48:04] >> Yeah, right before the history we we [48:06] just left one thing off. Sure. Um cuz [48:08] we're talking about cohabitation twice a [48:10] week. We [48:11] We lost the plot. So, [48:13] in the secular world, this is when she [48:16] dumps him. That's where all the divorces [48:18] are happening. [48:19] And then it's crazy, but this is where [48:21] the divorce and go check it out like [48:23] Google later. What's the average age of [48:24] divorces? It's between 35 and 50. [48:27] Probably 38 and 50 more cuz 35 she's [48:29] already like sensing that she's married [48:31] to a bum. [48:32] And um but that's where she throws him [48:35] out because they don't have the same [48:36] sanctity as we do. [48:38] In our community, they're not going to [48:40] throw him out. Although, these days [48:41] maybe that yes cuz divorce is going up [48:43] and it's [48:44] almost every time I get someone who's [48:46] about to get divorced, it's this. [48:48] It's always this. [48:50] And I train him, even when they're [48:52] separated. Ready for this? I had a [48:54] couple separated. On their way to their [48:56] divorce, he came to me. I started [48:58] training him. [49:00] And next thing we know, her rabbi gets a [49:03] phone call. She says she wants to meet [49:04] him. [49:05] He said, "What do you mean you want to [49:06] meet him? Like you're not talking to [49:08] him." [49:09] And she's No, no. No, no. [49:10] [clears throat] She says she wants the [49:11] messages to no longer come through her [49:13] mother. She is willing to take his [49:15] messages cuz it's just making her crazy [49:17] having to like have it in between. It's [49:19] just was bothering her logistically. [49:23] Next thing, 2 weeks later, she hasn't [49:26] talked to him. 2 weeks later, I want to [49:28] meet him. [49:30] And he's like, "Meet him? We're in the [49:32] middle of proceedings of a divorce. What [49:34] are you talking about?" [49:36] She's like, "I want to meet him." [49:38] 5-hour meeting. [49:41] She goes back to the rabbi after the [49:43] meeting. He says, "What was that? 5 [49:45] hours?" She's like, "I love him. [49:48] I want him back." [49:50] He said, "What about all the issues? [49:52] She's like [49:53] I don't care. [49:57] And this is over and over again this is [50:00] happening. [50:01] Over and over again. And if it's too [50:02] [clears throat] late, the guy gets [50:04] trained, gets [50:05] he at least knows how to handle himself [50:07] in a divorce proceeding and not get [50:09] destroyed. There's there's suicide rate [50:11] just on what happens to men [50:14] when [50:15] women and her lawyer [50:19] woman [50:20] and her therapist woman [50:24] destroy him. [50:27] And there's actually you can Google [50:29] this. It's a suicide rate that happens. [50:31] It's Israel's worse than here. [50:34] Suicide rate for this. [50:36] Um [50:37] >> [clears throat] [50:38] >> the [50:40] But by our community, the cohabitation [50:42] goes down. [50:44] The actual being together goes down. [50:48] That's the best kept secret because once [50:50] they're in their 40s and 50s it's over. [50:56] Here's the cool part. Cool part is is if [50:58] he's in his game, if the guy trains, he [51:00] becomes that man. [51:02] And he's training. [51:04] What happens is [51:06] she hits the you know, so that this is [51:08] their let's say you know, they're [51:09] married. This becomes kind of they [51:11] plateau at how they like to cohabitate, [51:13] you know, what's the frequency. They get [51:15] hit that [51:16] cohabitation rate. Now when she hits 35 [51:19] 6 [51:20] So as I was saying it either goes down [51:23] to zero [51:24] or it goes like boom. [51:28] And then the rest of their married life [51:30] is like wow. [51:34] And and that's what's in store for the [51:36] man who trains. [51:38] And they go so romantic. And it's like [51:40] kids? [51:42] Oh yeah, those uh I forgot I forgot we [51:44] had kids. [51:47] You know, the kids are coming into the [51:48] kitchen going like, "Are we bothering [51:50] you?" [51:51] >> [laughter] [51:52] >> You know, cuz there's You see them at a [51:53] restaurant. You know, you go to a [51:55] restaurant, you can tell who's, you [51:56] know, dating versus who's been married [51:58] 40 years. [51:59] They look like the couple's dating, you [52:01] know? [52:02] And [52:03] and [52:04] it's just magical what takes place. [52:08] It's just magical. And not just magical [52:10] for them, it's magical for the kids cuz [52:12] the boys are seeing the vibration of a [52:14] man. [52:15] >> [clears throat] [52:16] >> And the girls are noticing that mommy is [52:19] not thrashing [52:22] Tati. [52:24] Because I mean, think of the disservice [52:26] to your kids. [52:27] The poor guy who marries your daughter. [52:31] The poor [52:32] boy who marries [52:34] the poor girl who marries your son [52:36] and gets a little shepsel and [52:38] And when my daughters get married when [52:40] my daughter will marry a boy, I said, [52:42] you know, Hasidic boys, [52:43] they My next daughter always says, [52:45] "Tati, [52:46] I don't want a shepsel." [52:48] "I want a man. I don't want a sheep. I [52:51] want a man." And I say, "Honey, shepsels [52:54] are all they offer. You'll build your [52:57] man." And she's like, [53:00] >> Yeah, cuz I I can imagine someone [53:01] listening to this. They're like, I don't [53:02] know, they're dating and they're 23, 24 [53:05] and they're like, "Okay, now am I messed [53:07] over now because this is the [53:10] way I was brought up and how do I turn [53:13] from this sheep into a man?" [53:15] >> Very well said. And for that reason, [53:18] there are eight bullet points [53:20] that I do in in my seminars, which I'm [53:22] running for free. I mean, I'm just doing [53:24] them online, a half hour a week, going [53:26] through each bullet point. [53:28] And, you know, I'm happy to share them, [53:29] but let's let's do a history [53:30] >> Yeah, do the history and then you'll [53:31] give us a taste of the the eight bullet [53:32] points. [53:33] >> Yeah. [53:33] >> So, yeah, how how did it how did this [53:35] come about? [53:36] >> Um what happened was it was post-war. [53:40] Uh gender roles were set in stone for [53:42] millennia, you know, like the man's a [53:44] man, the woman's a woman, you know, it's [53:46] caveman and and the woman's in that role [53:49] that I spoke about where she's just [53:50] surrendering all femininity to this man [53:53] cuz the more you are that man, the more [53:56] she surrenders her full gift of her the [53:58] feminine to you. Which is like gorgeous. [54:01] And just quick side note is that when [54:03] she surrenders her full femininity to [54:05] you, she looks young, fresh, and [54:08] beautiful. And I don't care what she [54:10] looks like. Meaning Meaning what [54:12] objectively they would consider, you [54:13] know, she to you looks young, fresh, and [54:16] gorgeous. [54:18] If you play it wrong and she's taking up [54:21] your slack and taking up your slack, [54:22] she's getting more and more exhausted. [54:24] By the time she's 35, 40, she's looking [54:27] old, [54:29] tired, and ugly. [54:31] So, she went from young, fresh, and [54:33] gorgeous to old, tired, and ugly. [54:36] >> I'd imagine the reverse and the push [54:38] back that the man also if he's not [54:41] going into that masculine character, [54:43] he'll also be Whatever, I don't know. [54:45] >> Such a cool point. I didn't even think [54:47] about that. [54:48] But I bet you that there's a certain way [54:52] men are holding themselves that are slug [54:54] sluggy. [54:55] >> Can I say schlubby? Like when they're [54:56] when they're not like the man, they're [54:58] they turn into schlubs or weaklings or [55:02] >> Eye contact's bad, looking away when you [55:04] talk to them. [55:06] Uh [55:07] maybe a little un- not toned muscularly. [55:10] The [55:12] uh head maybe tilted to the side so [55:14] they're not quite tall. [55:15] >> Right. [55:15] >> Maybe slung forward a little. [55:17] Interesting. Never put that together. [55:19] Thank you. [55:20] >> Sure. [55:20] >> Yeah. [55:21] >> Okay, so So, right right right. When [55:23] everyone's [55:24] doing in their right role, they they [55:26] physically [55:29] adapt prop- [55:31] more accurately to where the way their [55:33] body and soul should be. [55:35] >> Right. And and guess what? [55:38] A man who's having trouble with shmiras [55:39] einayim, like guarding his eyes from [55:41] looking at other women, [55:43] has nowhere else to look than the [55:44] mirror. [55:45] at himself. [55:47] Because if she's old, tired, and ugly, [55:49] you're the one [55:50] who sees her that way because you're the [55:52] one who caused her to get exhausted. [55:55] And so the women outside on the street [55:57] walking by, [55:58] especially the younger ones, [56:00] are like they're get they're in that [56:01] freshness, and you made her old. [56:05] And when you turn it around, all you [56:06] have to do is do the steps, and [56:07] immediately you'll go like visit [56:09] cousins, and they're like, "You just [56:10] look so young." to your wife. They'll be [56:12] like, "You look so young." They're like, [56:14] "What is it?" [56:15] And and by the way, this happens to me. [56:17] Meaning, if I'm in my like the first [56:20] the first way is called living on [56:22] purpose, [56:23] where you're a man with a purpose beyond [56:26] your wife and kids and and everything, [56:28] you're right. You got a you got a [56:29] purpose out there. A man has to have a [56:31] purpose. [56:32] And you That's why you'll see women get [56:33] very resentful of a man overworking at [56:36] work. [56:37] Kids get resentful of an overworking [56:39] workaholic father. But a man who's [56:42] [clears throat] out there like like [56:43] making a difference, let's say our kids [56:45] see him work for the community, they get [56:47] more and more proud, no matter how many [56:48] hours. And my kids, I'm surprised they [56:50] even recognize me from the amount I [56:51] travel. [56:52] They're just more and more proud. You [56:54] should see their WhatsApps to me, my [56:55] wife. [56:57] You understand? Like like they [57:00] That's number one is living on purpose. [57:02] And and what happens is that and number [57:06] two is take care of things yourself, so [57:08] she's like she's just able to give [57:10] deliver her full surrendered gift of [57:13] femininity. [57:15] Because you've got it. You've got it. [57:17] You know? And my joke is when you take [57:19] your wife out to out to dinner, you [57:21] know, she's sitting in the passenger [57:22] seat, and you're in the front seat, and [57:23] you're like, "Okay, where do you want to [57:24] go?" You know what she wants to say? [57:26] "I'd like to go back in the house." [57:29] Am I taking you to to [57:30] Are you taking me to dinner? [57:33] And when I heard this the first time, I [57:35] was going out with my wife every [57:36] Wednesday night. It's date night. [57:38] So, I'm taking my wife out [57:40] and [57:41] but now our kids are older so now every [57:42] night's date night. [57:44] We're [clears throat] taking I'm going [57:45] out with her and I I'm a [57:46] So, uh [57:48] how was your day? [57:50] And I start driving. I was going to say, [57:51] "So, where do you want to go?" [57:53] Start driving. I'm passing this [57:54] restaurant that [57:55] I don't know which restaurant. I've [57:57] never done this before. I don't know how [57:59] to make decisions. [58:01] Totally faking it. [58:02] Totally faking it. And I'm like [58:04] Fleischigs, Milchigs. [laughter] I'm [58:07] driving through Yerushalayim. [58:09] Guess what? [58:10] I I passed through the whole city. [58:13] I passed all the restaurants and now [58:14] we're like off into the mountains, the [58:16] Jerusalem forest. She's like and I see [58:19] her she's getting more and more excited. [58:20] She's like, "This is getting good." You [58:23] know, like this she's like figuring it's [58:25] a picnic. I should have known. [58:27] Next thing I know, I'm a mountain biker [58:28] so I know these mountains like like with [58:30] my eyes closed. Next thing I know, I'm [58:32] on the top of these mountains. I'm like [58:34] in a place that's called Sataf. It's [58:35] actually where the uh where the What's [58:38] the rocket thing that we shoot? Iron [58:40] Dome. That's where we were keeping Iron [58:41] Dome for like years. So, we're now on [58:43] the top of Sataf. [58:46] And I know a bench overlooking this [58:48] giant valley. It's pitch black. [58:51] And [58:52] I pull up to the bench. [58:54] We get out of the car. [58:56] We sit on the bench. [58:58] And she's like, [59:00] "You brought food?" [59:02] And I said, "Honey, [59:04] I don't want food to get between us. [59:06] >> [clears throat] [59:07] >> Tonight's date night. It's just you and [59:09] me and this bench." [59:12] I have to say that was probably one of [59:14] the roman- most romantic dates. [59:16] And I have to say that was probably one [59:18] of the most romantic dates [59:20] that we've ever had. [59:22] I just [59:24] got her. [59:26] And that was me faking and blowing it. [59:29] But doing it. [59:31] So that's number two. [59:33] Let's do a little history and then maybe [59:34] we [59:34] >> Before that, I want to I want [laughter] [59:35] to interrupt. No, so I I saw it's like a [59:37] Tik Tok trend cuz, you know, like you're [59:40] saying that that the, you know, the guy [59:42] is supposed to be the one who's like, [59:44] "This is where we're going. I'm taking [59:45] care of you." And, you know, you're not [59:47] supposed to ask you know you want to [59:49] deliver cuz deep down she wants to go [59:51] somewhere. But like once she says she [59:53] wants to go there, then it's like [59:54] ruining it because you should have known [59:56] that. You should have You know, you [59:57] know, you know how to take care of her. [59:59] So the trick is that I am now I'm saying [60:01] it, so whatever it's ruining the trick. [60:02] But it's on Tik Tok. The guy says, [60:05] "Guess where we're going?" And she'll [60:07] like hopefully say like the place. And [60:09] she says like that place that she's [60:11] always been dreaming about going. And [60:12] the guy's like, "Yep, we're going [60:13] there." And [laughter] then you go [60:14] there. So it's a win-win. [60:16] >> How can you say that trick online? I've [60:18] never heard that. [60:18] >> It's on Tik Tok. It's all over Tik Tok. [60:20] So but it's a it's a it's I don't think [60:22] I've ever done it. But maybe I should [60:23] unless my wife's going to listen to this [60:25] then I can't. [60:26] Um but it's great cuz then when when she [60:27] gets to go where she wants and you get [60:29] to you you're taking her to that special [60:31] place. [60:32] Um [snorts] but let's go back to the [60:33] history. The history of it. [60:34] >> history is like there was post-war [60:36] and um America's this, you know, has won [60:40] World War II. [60:41] And it's a fledgling country. It's new, [60:44] you know. [60:45] Incoming migrants and from all over the [60:47] world and it's like the population's [60:49] growing and it's like doesn't have a lot [60:51] of tradition from the past, you know, [60:53] and what what's one of the traditions? [60:56] Gender roles. [60:57] That's one of the traditions. [60:59] And [61:00] what happened in 1950s is there was a [61:02] movement, a crazy movement. It was [61:04] called It was called crazy I'll explain [61:07] why. It was called women's liberation. [61:10] As if they were enslaved. [61:11] You know, the whole thing was crazy to [61:13] begin with, but it was called women's [61:15] liberation or women's lib [61:17] for short. You ever heard of it? [61:19] >> I've heard of it, yeah. [61:20] >> So So [61:22] and of course they so badly blew it cuz [61:24] it was like you want to celebrate being [61:26] a woman, which is what's happening now. [61:27] Now there's like a whole new [61:29] post-feminist thing of celebrating being [61:30] a woman. It's powerful. And and a lot of [61:33] the Jewish women are leading it. And [61:35] there's this whole Kabbalistic thing [61:36] that the feminine's going to be the way [61:38] the future goes with Torah Mashiach, [61:40] Torah Tzion. It's going to be like the [61:42] feminine water is rising [61:44] for the for a new Torah in our world. [61:47] Yeah, I don't mean a new Torah Torah, I [61:48] mean [61:49] new instructions from above. [61:51] But the what happened was they they just [61:55] looked around like, "What are men's [61:57] roles? We'll do that." [61:59] You understand? What are men's roles? [62:01] We'll do that. And they just like they [62:03] they started wearing suits, you know. [62:06] And and they started wearing pants. [62:08] And it's like just look at what men do, [62:10] we'll do that. [62:11] That's so disrespectful of the feminine. [62:14] It was so it was such a shot at them. [62:18] Such a shot at them. Like if you want to [62:21] if you want to celebrate women, like [62:23] celebrate women. Don't celebrate men. [62:24] They just did exactly what they were, [62:27] you know, you understand. It was the [62:28] whole thing was a [62:29] a U-turn. [62:30] >> Right, right, right. [62:31] >> a 360. [62:32] >> Right. [62:33] >> They just [62:33] >> As opposed to actually celebrating the [62:35] women, they there are components of it [62:37] that they were just mimicking [62:40] >> male roles. [62:41] >> Male roles, right. [62:42] >> Yeah. Right. [62:43] >> And then and then what happened was [62:45] because there wasn't a lot of [62:46] conservative values, you can do whatever [62:48] you want, you know. So people were doing [62:50] whatever they wanted and and then um [62:52] and then what happened was there was [62:54] also regarding um [62:57] regarding [62:58] interaction. I don't know how you say it [62:59] on the podcast cuz it begins with S. But [63:02] regarding I don't know if you use the [63:03] S-word here, but [63:05] >> Oh, you could we know what you mean [63:06] about this point, yeah. [63:09] >> So [63:11] the that got liberated. [63:13] Not a ton because a woman, you know, cuz [63:15] the a woman's always in danger because [63:17] you know, of of pregnancy. [63:19] And so so there was there was obviously [63:23] there was no way to go all the way [63:26] without a ring, you know. [63:28] There's no you can't go all the way. So [63:29] they would do everything that men do and [63:30] they got more and more promiscuous and [63:32] whatever, but [63:33] you know, they they're in danger when it [63:35] comes to [63:36] uh having a child. [63:38] And so you there you got to put the ring [63:40] on. But then the scientists in you know, [63:42] our industrial revolution created the [63:45] birth control pill. [63:47] And at that point, the one last card [63:49] that women had [63:51] in this country and in Western society [63:54] of Europe, the one last card they had of [63:56] being female, [63:58] they were just like, oh, men get to do [64:00] whatever they want, but we have to be [64:02] you know, chaste, we have to be careful. [64:04] They just threw their card on the table. [64:07] And we're going to be just like men. [64:09] You know what happened? [64:11] The age of women getting married went [64:13] from 18 to like 21, 22. Then it jumped [64:17] to 30. [64:18] Cuz the men said, why buy when you can [64:20] rent? [64:22] I mean, they blew it so badly. [64:25] So badly. [64:26] And all all of us means broken heart, [64:28] broken heart, broken heart, broken heart [64:29] because men are conquerors. You know, [64:32] men are polygamous by nature and the [64:33] women are [64:34] are monogamous by women are monogamous [64:36] by nature and [64:38] >> [snorts] [64:38] >> and they automatically get attached and [64:40] then but he's moving on and broken [64:42] heart, broken heart, broken heart, [64:43] broken heart. [64:44] And and then the age was and then there [64:47] was no more matchmaking, you know, even [64:48] secular people in America matched made [64:50] matches in the 50s. [64:52] It was matchmaking. [64:53] And that was gone. [64:56] You know, let them make their own match. [64:57] Then it moved to 31, 32, 33, 34 until [65:00] I'm still not getting married. And by [65:02] the time they decide, oh my gosh, I'm [65:03] never going to have kids if I don't get [65:04] married at 37, 38, 34, 39, 40, they turn [65:08] around like, oh, let me find a husband. [65:10] And it's like a used car lot as far as [65:13] the eye can see and everyone's hearts [65:15] are broken. So it's not just [65:16] rent-a-cars, it's like rent-a-wreck. [65:20] And there's no one to marry because [65:21] everyone's broken. [65:24] And anyway, so that's what happened [65:26] there. [65:27] >> Well, I'm going to push back a little [65:29] meaning you're saying there's there's a [65:31] lot of, you know, the [snorts] movement [65:33] was, you know, run by women, but I'm [65:35] sure there was the men are were at fault [65:38] as well with everything that's been [65:40] going on in terms of this [65:43] dilution of [65:45] male versus not versus, but male and [65:48] female, no? [65:49] >> It was going both ways and so what [65:51] happened was women's lib eventually they [65:53] grew up and started calling it feminism. [65:55] To be a feminist. [65:57] And feminism was a better [66:00] version of women's lib. It was more [66:02] celebratory of of the female. [66:04] So as it stayed in, so now we're at like [66:07] 20, 30, 40 years of it, [66:09] it um what happened was the men started [66:12] becoming emasculated by it. [66:15] Think about it, women are the most [66:16] powerful thing in the world, aren't [66:19] they? [66:20] >> Yeah, sure. [66:21] >> Look at Donald Trump, he's a very [66:22] powerful man. What's his weak spot? [66:25] >> Women. [66:25] >> Yeah, what's every rich man's weak spot? [66:28] >> Women. [66:28] >> You know, so so that automatically puts [66:30] them as the top. You want to hear [66:32] something interesting? [66:33] >> Sure. [66:34] >> Um you know, does a married woman in [66:37] Judaism, like Halakhic Judaism, does she [66:39] have to cover her hair when she's [66:41] married? [66:41] >> Yes. [66:42] >> No. [66:42] >> No. [66:43] >> She dances her whole wedding night. She [66:45] had three, four, 500 witnesses that no [66:48] one would say she's not married. You can [66:49] dance the whole night with her hair [66:51] covered uncovered. Hair showing. [66:54] Next morning, [66:56] covered. [66:57] Now, I'm not going to talk about what [66:59] happened between the night and the [67:00] morning, [67:01] but she saw her power. [67:04] >> Mhm. [67:04] >> She saw her power that night. Well, [67:06] think about it. A powerful person has a [67:08] direct conflict now with surrendering [67:11] before God. [67:13] Cuz the ego and God don't go together. [67:15] And so, she now has to cover her hair. [67:17] Why? Because the the sensual [67:22] attraction of a woman, [67:24] at least a modestly dressed one, [67:26] would be her hair. [67:29] Be her hair. [67:30] You know You know women see men before [67:32] men check out women. Women are checking [67:34] out men before men. Cuz they have [67:36] stronger instincts. [67:37] So, [67:39] so, there's there's actually a trick how [67:40] you know a woman checked you out. [67:43] How? They touch their hair. [67:45] Mhm. [67:47] They can't not touch their hair. So, if [67:49] you see a woman touching her hair, she [67:50] checked you out. [67:52] >> Interesting. [67:53] >> Isn't that interesting? [67:54] >> My favorite part of this week's episode [67:55] is coming up, but first, a lot of us [67:57] want to give tzedakah every single day. [67:59] And the challenge is not the desire, [68:01] it's actually remembering. And that's [68:02] what I love about Colel Chabad's Pushka [68:04] app. It brings the mitzvah of daily [68:06] giving right to your phone with a simple [68:07] reminder that helps you build a real [68:09] habit. Now, I know there's other places [68:11] that charge your credit card every [68:12] month, but let's be honest, you don't [68:14] feel like you're actually giving [68:15] tzedakah. 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Together, we can bring more [70:50] kavod to our shuls, more power to our [70:52] tefillahs, and maybe even $1 million to [70:54] your community. Now, back to this week's [70:56] episode. I'm curious I and maybe it's a [70:58] little off topic or maybe very on topic [71:00] and I think you've you you know [71:02] sprinkling in the concepts of like [71:05] and you mentioned it before but [71:06] cabalistically could you explain [71:09] at least from what we understand of like [71:11] why Hashem introduced this male and [71:14] female I you kind of touched on it [71:16] before but I think it helps give context [71:18] to like everything you're explaining. [71:20] >> I can. I mean this is going into like [71:22] real cabalistic stuff like serious [71:24] Kabbalah. I know you like a little bit [71:25] of it. [71:26] >> on it yeah yeah. [71:27] >> But it but it [71:28] >> [clears throat] [71:28] >> the whole world is created as [71:31] in these polarities. [71:33] And so we call it in Kabbalah Hesed and [71:35] Gevurah. [71:36] And but it really all the Sefirot are [71:38] somewhere between them. You know so [71:40] >> and left yeah. [71:41] >> Yeah so like Hochma's going to be Hesed [71:43] and [71:44] and part of Hesed and Binah will be part [71:46] of Gevurah. Everything's in flowing [71:49] structure. [71:50] Flow water [71:52] cup structure. [71:53] >> Mhm. [71:54] >> Okay? And it's the same for chaos and [71:56] order. Water without this cup [71:58] would be chaos. [72:00] And [72:01] with the cup order. [72:03] And so [72:05] and so [72:06] turns out and now let's go to male [72:07] female. [72:08] Everything's male and female. [72:12] I don't want to make your imagination [72:13] too crazy. [72:14] >> No I know I I I I I've heard you say [72:16] this in classes and it comes up on the [72:18] show every here and they're like just [72:19] physically when a man man gives over a [72:21] seed and the the woman accepts the seed [72:23] and [72:24] you know creates the new life in there [72:26] there's that male and female the give or [72:29] take or [72:30] >> Right. [72:30] >> you know. [72:31] A nail and a table is same. [72:33] >> Oh you got yeah so the screws holding [72:35] the table in this whole system is only [72:38] male and female. [72:40] You [72:41] you can't look at anything that's not. [72:44] The doorways in this building [72:46] are male and female. There is no thing [72:49] that's not male and female. Every [72:50] plant's is or female. Every animal's [72:52] male or female. [72:54] And every human being is male and [72:55] female. And you guess who are the only [72:56] um confused ones are. [72:59] >> I don't know. [73:00] >> Human beings. [73:01] >> Hm. [73:01] >> Why? Cuz we're male and female. [73:04] We are male and female. When you're [73:05] davening, you're not in male, you're in [73:07] female. That's why men have a much [73:09] rougher time with prayer than women. [73:12] And masculine women don't love prayer [73:14] the way men do. [73:15] It's the way regular women do. [73:19] Everything's male and female. And human [73:20] beings are made of both, like Adam and [73:22] Eve were made of both. [73:23] >> Right. [73:24] >> You know, I did something interesting. I [73:26] I um [73:28] I did as you're going to think I'm [73:30] crazy, but my brain works with society, [73:33] socially. [73:34] Sociology. That's how my brain works. [73:36] I'm not a very [73:37] good thinker. And while other people are [73:40] focusing maybe on halakha or or on [73:42] science or on whatever, history, this [73:46] brain works on understanding people. [73:48] So, I wanted to do an experiment. [73:50] In my shul, Pinsker-Karlin in Mea [73:53] Shearim, [73:55] I am going to find the men in the shul [73:59] that are way more fe- female than male. [74:02] It happens. We all have friends that are [74:04] like totally the man is just much more [74:07] feminine. We all have know women that [74:08] are much more masculine. By nature, it's [74:10] just stronger in them. [74:12] So, [74:12] we're thought There's a thousand men in [74:14] the shul. [74:15] And I took the older men cuz they're way [74:17] more traditional. They've never heard of [74:19] gender dysphoria. They've never heard of [74:21] you know, the only thing they know about [74:23] homosexuality is [74:24] from you know, the commandment not to [74:27] not to do it. You know, in that pasuk, [74:29] you know. [74:30] That's it. So, [74:34] they know nothing about it. So, they're [74:35] the perfect control group to see what [74:38] What's [clears throat] their role in [74:39] life? What's their position? And we're [74:40] talking about men with like Each one of [74:41] them had the least of which I only found [74:44] three that were absolute women. [74:46] And the least kids they had was nine. [74:51] Then one of them had 14 and the other [74:52] one had like 11. [74:54] >> [snorts] [74:55] >> Happily married, like normal lives. [74:57] I'm sure their wives are a little more [74:59] masculine. [75:01] And that's good by the way. That a very [75:02] feminine man should have and I know that [75:04] sounds like it's a steer up from what I [75:06] was saying before and like a [75:07] contradiction, but it's not. [75:08] It's not. If a man's got that more [75:11] and I've met women by the way, I met [75:13] ba'alei teshuvah women [75:14] who were who were not heterosexual [75:18] and came in through into Torah and men [75:21] also who came into Torah and they were [75:23] more feminine and interested in males [75:25] cuz remember everything's polarities. [75:27] It's always going to attract. [75:29] And they became frum [75:31] and did teshuvah [75:33] and then came to me like when I date, [75:34] what am I looking for and I'm like, [75:36] well, you're going to to the guy, you're [75:38] going to be looking for a woman with a [75:39] little more masculinity to her. [75:41] And to the girl I'd say, you're going to [75:44] look for that. And you're going to be [75:45] open and honest about your past because [75:48] they have to know that going in, you [75:49] know. [75:50] And and they're all happily married. [75:53] I've got I don't think there's even one [75:54] divorce [75:55] >> Wow. [75:56] >> of these people. [75:56] >> And right. So so you're the way you're [75:58] explaining male female is like kind of [75:59] like what you're saying before of that [76:01] balance in the universe that Hashem made [76:03] of just making sure that things could [76:06] stand together. So you need that [76:09] >> Right. [76:09] >> opposite. [76:10] >> Right. So So just to hear this, who were [76:12] the three men in the end in our shul? [76:15] They were the prayer leaders [76:17] >> Mhm. [76:18] >> for emergencies. [76:19] Meaning if there was like it was was [76:21] like intifada time [76:23] and we're doing tehillim, the whole [76:24] group [76:25] one of those three always was shliach [76:26] tzibur. The Rebbe would just say, you. [76:29] And he would be shliach tzibur. Ne'ilah, [76:31] biggest emergency of the whole year. [76:33] One of those three. [76:34] I geshem, a lot of people don't [76:35] understand, but kabbalistically geshem, [76:37] the prayer for geshem or tal, you know, [76:39] it's so [76:40] is emergency. [76:43] Always one of them. [76:45] >> They're the prayer leaders cuz the [76:47] prayer is the feminine. [76:48] >> Mhm. [76:48] >> Yeah. [76:50] You notice our tefillin we put a seven [76:52] wraps. [76:53] We're First of all, we're tying up the [76:54] masculine down. You're tying a man down [76:56] with leather straps. [76:58] You know, you're tying him down. [77:00] And seven is the feminine. You're [77:02] Mhm. [77:04] Now, um [77:06] as feminism developed, as this was [77:08] going, men's clothes started getting [77:10] tighter and tighter and tighter. The [77:13] socks are getting pinker. [77:16] Um [77:18] and I was watching this and I'm just [77:19] like, what is going on here? [77:23] I actually [snorts] I would There was a [77:24] habura of uh of like five towns type [77:27] boys in Yerushalayim. [77:29] At Berry Klein's habura. I don't know if [77:31] you know Berry Klein. [77:32] >> Sure. [77:32] >> So, amazing guys and I would learn in [77:35] the habura or at least hear Berry's uh [77:37] cheer in the morning before we everyone [77:39] started learning. [77:40] And cuz it was in Pins Karlin. [77:43] And so, [77:45] I once pulled out my phone which you [77:46] don't do in Pins Karlin, but I pulled [77:47] out my phone and just over the days I [77:49] would take pictures and I call it it's [77:51] in my phone. It's a photo album called [77:53] girly men. [77:55] Pink kind of violet, big scarves they [77:57] wear and you know, it was winter [77:59] and they had like pink scarves, little [78:02] little booties they're wearing like for [78:03] shoes. Like these cute little booties [78:05] they're wearing. Pink socks over there, [78:07] click. And I had I have a whole montage [78:11] of the girly men just from that habura. [78:14] And you know, you see in Long Island, [78:16] you see the you know, in the five towns [78:18] you see these like dainty boys in their [78:20] blue you know, that blue suit they wear [78:22] that's skin tight Sure. With the [78:24] flooding pants like the you know, [78:25] flooding means it's they're too high. [78:27] >> Ah, yeah. [78:28] >> So, you can see the socks and stuff. [78:30] With the floods [78:31] and the little shoes. And it's like [78:34] girly men. [78:35] You know? [78:36] And [78:41] you know, it hit us and I'll never [78:44] forget the day. I walk out of G&G. I [78:46] didn't walk out I walked out of the [78:47] changing room G&G. The guy is like you [78:49] know I got a new record it's called the [78:50] record or long those codes. He says he [78:52] [clears throat] says okay here's the [78:53] pants go try on the pants. [78:55] Come out of there like I'm like what is [78:57] the meaning of this? [78:58] And he's like what are you talking [78:59] about? I said it's I mean it's not tight [79:02] but it's tight. [79:04] This is not the cut. [79:06] And he's like it's the cut now. I'm like [79:08] well get me another pair he says [79:10] there is no other pair. I could [79:13] customize it [79:14] but that's it. In other words [79:17] the Harani world is what's the job of [79:20] the Harani world to filter out the [79:22] secular world. That's why it always gets [79:24] firmer and firmer cuz as the secular [79:25] world gets crazier and crazier the [79:26] Harani world gets firmer and firmer. [79:29] So [79:31] they're good at filtering but not good [79:32] at filtering everything and this they're [79:34] terrible at filtering. Everything we're [79:36] talking about today they're not good at [79:38] filtering for reasons we already spoke [79:39] about. [79:41] Is that we're just not good at filtering [79:42] and so the boys stay boys early men and [79:46] the and the women become empowered as [79:48] men [79:49] and eventually exhausted and eventually [79:52] it's affecting everything. [79:54] Now [79:55] the so that's the history and there's [79:58] more to it believe me. [79:59] I didn't discuss 1960s and the whole [80:01] psychedelic movement because the the [80:04] probably the biggest thing people don't [80:05] know a lot about it but I I'm 45 years [80:08] research in the psychedelic world [80:10] and the a lot of people don't realize [80:13] that the Sadasiva [80:15] the the [80:17] common denominator of all psychedelics [80:21] is [80:23] that all is one. The experience that all [80:26] is one. [80:28] Well, think about it. We just got [80:29] through saying the whole world's binary. [80:31] It's not one it's two. [80:32] It's male and female. It's order and [80:34] chaos. It's Hesed and Gevurah. [80:36] It's not all one. [80:38] He is all one. [80:40] God's all one. [80:42] Right? He's all one. [80:44] We're in the world of binary [80:47] reality. [80:51] And these people have These people in [80:53] this world discover a place of oneness [80:56] that can be so misconstrued, so [80:58] misconceived to the point where boys no [81:00] longer even know who they are anymore. [81:02] Girls don't know who they are anymore. [81:05] You want to know something? They're [81:06] right. [81:07] They're right. I've I've counseled a lot [81:09] of people with gender dysphoria, where [81:11] girls feel like they're boys and boys [81:12] feel like they're girls. [81:15] And [81:16] I've counseled them and I saw Like at [81:18] first I thought, "Wow, I got to fix [81:19] them, you know?" When I was younger [81:20] rabbi, I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to [81:22] help them out, get them back to their [81:23] original gender." [81:25] You know what I discovered? [81:27] They have [81:29] because [81:30] Oh. [81:31] Even though their parents may not be [81:33] from the 1960s on LSD, [81:36] you know, they're raised in you know, [81:37] they could be raised in Lakewood. [81:40] Or they're raised in, you know, New York [81:42] City from not even parents who were [81:44] hippies, but but once they came into the [81:46] world, once that age hit in the late [81:49] '60s, [81:50] '70s, [81:51] it was in. [81:53] And so, [81:54] who are these people who don't know if [81:56] they're a boy or girl? Gender dysphoria, [81:57] it's called. [81:59] It's because they've got they because I [82:03] am not my body parts. [82:06] I'm my soul, and it's not male or [82:08] female. [82:11] You're not really male or female, [82:14] Yaakov. And I'm not male or female. [82:19] Cuz in the end, we're really chelek [82:22] Elokai mima'al, we're part of this [82:23] infinite being, [82:25] which is what they discovered in the [82:26] '60s. And that [clears throat] came in. [82:29] Now, there's a reason why. It's just [82:31] right now we're just seeing all the [82:32] mistakes that are being made. In that.
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